I Am Not Ok

can't sleep

Can’t sleep?

I am tossing and turning, I can’t sleep.  I’m too hot, I’m too cold, my back is achy, my mind is racing.  I am pissed off. Not at anyone, no just feeling an all round general displeasure at the state of the world.  I was supposed to be in Florida right now. I was supposed to wake up and find myself at Epcot around 11am.  My family and I were going to ride Test Track, I know because I booked the Fastpasses over a month ago. We were going to eat dinner at the Biergarten Restaurant before seeing a concert in celebration of my Mom’s 70th birthday.

I want to be sleeping at the resort right now, listening to the breeze through palm leaves.  I want to wake up to air conditioning kicking in, not dreams of washing my hands obsessively.  I want to be wearing shorts and watching my skin finally regain some of the color lost in the Winter. But no, I’m here at home where it’s snowing…again, and I’m feeling miserable.

In good moments I am counting my blessings.  Truly, in the state of the world right now I am grateful for a warm home, and time to spend with people I love.  I know not every home is a safe place.  So I feel for those who are not in any way feeling safe.  I am truly grateful to be healthy when so many are not. I genuinely feel for every person who has been given a positive test result and for the incredible uncertainty that must evoke. I am grateful to be alive!

But there is also this immense fear, like at any moment the invisible virus could make it’s way into our safe house and start wreaking havoc on our lives.  I imagine I’d be the first in my family to get it, since I have a weakened immune system.  That would leave me isolated and alone to hunker down with a fever and difficulty breathing, and the fear that I could pass this along to the people I care about most.  I could end up in the hospital alone. I could die alone. My children could die alone. Or perhaps I’ve already had the virus, maybe I have it now, or maybe I won’t get it right away. Who knows?

This sobering thought has meandered its way around my mind the past couple weeks; if these are my last days, how do I want to spend them?  And the truth is, there is nowhere else I’d rather be. Well, ok, other than in Florida with my family. But then the truth is I’ve heard about the parties on the beaches in Florida right now, and really, I would rather be safe today than sorry tomorrow.

So yes, I am pissed, I am disappointed to be sending my Mom ecards from my laptop rather than giving her hugs in person.  I can’t tell you how much this breaks my heart. I’m trying to be grateful, and I’m finding it really hard to move beyond what feels like anger and insurmountable fear.  I am exactly where I want to be and yet so far from where I wish I could be. The logical parts of my brain tell me this is temporary, and the optimist in me says we are going to be ok as we continue to be cautious.  I try to listen and sometimes those messages get through. Thank God!  

I write this story in my mind while laying in bed awake, tears falling down my cheeks.  I will wake up tomorrow, it won’t be in Florida, but it will be a new day and I will find my way through it as I have each day prior to today.

I sigh, roll over again, and slowly fall asleep.

Photo by Jp Valery on Unsplash

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